i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
