Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
