i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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