I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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