Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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