from now on my penis is your penis
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
