everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
