I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
