On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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