herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
