that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
