Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
