Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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