Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
