saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
