You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have demons in me.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
