is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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