I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
