how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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