Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
