All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
