she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
