You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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