I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
