is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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