I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just want nice things and good sex
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
