Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
