So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
