I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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