And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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