you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
