I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
