Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
