great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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