insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
