fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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