Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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