I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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