Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
