I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
