it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
