I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
