he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
