the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize