I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
