Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
