arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize