I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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