She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
