the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
