Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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