Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Non-Jews are for practice
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
