at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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