if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
