my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
