so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
