i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
