My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
