i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize