so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
